The year 2012 would probably be the most memorable year I will always remember for the rest of my life. It was a year where I have experienced every emotion to the extreme. 100% sadness, 100% fear, 100% anger, 100% joy, and 100% excitement. I was able to prove that indeed life is a 100% roller coaster ride. You’ll go through ups, which is fun and exciting. But you’ll also have your sudden down moments, which is scary and painful. But if there’s also one thing I was able to experience 100% this year, well, that would be 100% of God’s grace.
I love what Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9. He said, “Three times I prayed to the Lord about this and asked Him to take it away. But His answer was: My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” I, too, have prayed a similar prayer. I asked God, not only three times, but every single day to help me become okay.
+ “Free me Lord from all this pain.” (January 13, 2012)
+ “I know you’re watching over me every minute of my life. I know you’re aware of how much I’m hurting. How many times I cried. Help me. It’s like everyday I’m fighting to live.” (February 15, 2012)
+ “Lord you know my heart. You know what I feel right now… When will I become happy? Until when do I have to fight?” (March 15, 2012)
+”…But please heal my heart. Make me happy.” (April 19, 2012)
+”…I’m losing hope. Am I going to be miserable for the rest of my life?” (May 21, 2012)
+ “…I ask for healing. I don’t know what to feel anymore.” (June 10, 2012)
The first six months was beyond words to explain. In fact, I still can’t believe that a man could actually bear such kind of emotion. If it weren’t for God’s grace, I would’ve completely lost my mind and gone insane. I could count the days I was not crying; and I thought I would not be able to make it. It’s like a hole has been punched through your chest, and nothing you do can make it feel better.
Looking back, it still brings me to tears. I’ve never been so broken in my entire life. I’ve never felt so weak and so helpless. But God taught me to embrace the pain. Every night, I would cry to Him like a little child, pouring out everything that is in my heart, claiming that one day, I will be healed.
It is through my brokenness that God changed my heart. I started the year re-committing my life to Him. I have been wandering for several years in my Christian life, but I was redeemed. He wanted to start a fresh journey with me, so I gladly took His hand, and I’m never gonna let go.
The next six months was full of surprises. God has opened a lot of opportunities not only when it comes to work, but also in His ministry. Transferring to a new place was really challenging. But I was determined, or should I say desperate. I thought I will not be able to find a good job, yet God blessed me with a company where even though the compensation wasn’t really that much, I was able to design something I can claim as my own in a span of only 4 months. (Click: Apple One Banawa Heights) My office-mates was also a blessing. In fact, since my first day at work I started praying for them. And indeed, God hears our prayers because four months after, I was able to start a bible study with some of them. Four of them professed that they have accepted Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. Truly, the most amazing feeling you will ever experience is when you have brought people to Christ.
Doing the ministry was something I never thought I will take seriously. But again, God changed my heart. I had a deep hunger and thirst to know more, to learn, and to be equipped. I tried doing this, and doing that. May it be in the children’s, youth, or music ministry in church, I realized that it could actually be fulfilling. I have learned to love it. God revealed to me His true heart; and I was captivated.
The year 2012 has taught me a lot of things. I learned a lot and experienced a lot. I had new dreams and new desires. I have seen how God worked. I have felt His love, mercy and grace. I have learned to depend on Him. Though this year was literally a series of heartache, I know that God has my heart, so I’m sure that it will never be broken again. It was a wonderful year, despite all the tears and pain, because I have journeyed it together with my one and only savior – Jesus Christ.