I’ll Close My Eyes & Take A Deep Breath

012013“Don’t you feel sad?”

I paused. I’ve managed to give a short laugh as I ask myself, “Does she really see me as an anti-social that’s why she is asking me this question out of nowhere? Am I too independent? Is it really obvious that I prefer to be alone most of the time?”. “Uhm… no”, I quickly replied. As she continued to talk, I was busy, wracking my brain if I really mean what I just said.

Well, I have friends. We talk from time to time… via text message, or even just on twitter (apparently, that’s the only social networking site I’ve got) – which made me realize how many people I really get to talk to in a week or even in just one day. I kept thinking, and yes, to be really honest, I can last a day without talking to anyone I can consider as close friends – people who really know me, those who know what I love, what’s going on in my life, my current struggles and all those stuff. But hey, I went out last week to meet two of my college friends, so technically I still have a social life.

More than 24 hours have passed since that conversation, and it is only now that I realized how much things have changed.

I have always been surrounded with people. I used to be always updated of what’s going on, the latest, who’s dating who, what’s the plan for next week, who got wasted on last night’s party, and name it – I have ways to connect. I have a large circle of friends who never fails to make me feel that I belong; that I’m in; I’m part of the crowd. I was secured and become dependent on them when it comes to issues with acceptance.

Writing about this makes me sigh. It has been a year when I decided to shut everybody out. I was crushed. And I don’t want people to see how weak I was; how broken and how pity. So I blocked myself from their lives. For almost three months I have withdrawn from people. I’ve cut off any form of communication – FB, twitter, mobile, everything. I can’t let them see what’s happening to me and how hard it was for me to cope up with the tragedy. It was difficult because I’ve never been into such situation in my whole life. I can’t let them know that the friend they once knew as a tough and bubbly person has become so helpless and lost.

It was a brilliant idea I thought. I need to heal; by myself. I have learned to do things on my own. I can remember those times I actually enjoyed shopping alone, dining outside alone, or even hanging out in a coffee shop alone. I have learned how to become independent. I have learned not to care about what other people might say or think about me, because they have no idea what I have just gone through.

So I embraced the fact that I will be doing things alone for the next days, months, and even years to come. I have kept in mind that I can’t forever depend on people because sooner or later they will also leave. There were times I was tempted to trust again ending up in another failure and disappointment, that I tend to withdraw again and hide, and run. I think it has become my automatic response to pain. It has become my self-defense.

I’ll re-post this excerpt from the book Captivating: (Click here for the original entry)
“Words were said, painful words. Things were done, awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside of us shifted. We embraced the messages of our wounds. We accepted twisted view of ourselves. And from that we chose a way of relating to our world. We made a vow never to be in that place again. We adopted strategies to protect ourselves from being hurt again. A woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart is a woman who is living a self-protective life. She may not be aware of it, but it is true. It’s our way of trying to save ourselves.”

I’ve become more cautious. I don’t want people to know more of my inner thoughts, my other dreams and desires (well of course, aside from the things I write here in my blog). It’s still very hard for me to start trusting people again even if it means just purely “friendship”. I have to admit that it’s a struggle I have been praying to God. I’ve been asking Him to help me reconnect, restore and find new and more friends whom I can share my new life with. But I won’t be able to do it unless I have settled within myself that I should give my trust (even starting with just 1%) if I want to know people; and if I want them to know me as well.

Yes I feel sad sometimes but it is through my sadness that I learn to love my God more.
“God is not like people. He tells no lies. He is not like humans. He doesn’t change his mind. When he says something, he does it. When he makes a promise, he keeps it.” (Numbers 23:19)

He has become my best friend. Every time I will feel sad, I cry to Him and allow Him to work in me. Every time I want to rejoice over something, I talk to Him giving thanks for what He has done. Every time I will feel tired with everything and everyone, I would just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and pray.

I don’t know how long I’m going to be comfortable doing things alone. I don’t know how long I am going to fight within myself issues about “trust”. I don’t know how long it would take me to again, reconnect, restore and find new and more friends whom I can share my NEW life with. But as long as I have my faith in God, I’ll be claiming that one day I’ll be able to get through all of this. And besides, loneliness is temporary, so yes, I do get sad at times, but I’m fine with it. God is enough.

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