January is about to end and I almost can’t believe it. To be honest, this month didn’t really turn out as how I hoped or should I say, “planned” it to be. Back in August, I have already set a plan of how I will start my year. I was supposed to travel, on my own. But as much as I wanted it to happen, I have been also praying to God that if it is not His will, then I will gladly surrender to the much better idea that He has in mind. After a few months, God moved and He impressed new things in my heart. So, I changed my proposal to God. I told my dad and few people about it and asked them to pray with me as well.
“Why still pray about it if you know that you really want it?”, a friend asked me. Well, I simply told her that it’s true, that’s what I want, and if I were only to decide on my own, I would really go for it. But I can’t do that. I had to wait if that’s also what God wants for me. I want to do things according to His plan. The moment I gave back my life to Him, I know that I’m no longer in control. And that’s quite hard for most people to understand.
When I started thinking about my plan about 5 months ago, I only had one thing in mind. I said to myself that I want to learn more (in many aspects). And that plan – my plan is what I thought would make it happen. Few days before 2012 ended, I have been struggling with God, asking him, or let’s just say I was actually demanding for an answer. I was like, “Lord? You know that I have been praying for this for the past not only weeks, but months. Yet how come it’s almost the deadline and I still haven’t received a go signal from you?” What made me think that there’s no go signal yet? Well, I was unsure of my plan. I believe that if God approves my idea, He will make me confident. But that never happened. So I did not pursue it.
But of course I didn’t break away from a lot of “what if’s”. In fact, I was tempted to go back to my idea on the first week of January thinking that I have mistaken that feeling of doubt. But I tried to check my heart first; if my plan was really intended to please God, or my own desires are getting in the way. I prayed and God revealed to me why I really wanted to pursue my plan. I wanted to continue running away.
As some of you might already know, my life in 2012 has been in a lot of controversy. (Hahaha!) And I have gotten used to running away and withdrawing myself from people. Well, it was quite fun. You go to a place where nobody knows you, you become independent, and you start your life from scratch. And I have learned a lot. So I want it again. But that’s not how God wanted me to learn this time. I admit, it was hard to submit to His idea, but my faith grew stronger for it is when I can’t understand God, I still chose to obey.
January indeed became a month of learning. When I say learning, it is between the general learning experience from everyday life, and the literal learning process you get from reading and some mentors. I know it doesn’t sound new to you guys (haha), but I have been reading good books I found in the house when the month started. Not only books in fact, but I have been also enjoying reading the Bible. There are times I even read commentaries online to further understand some questions I have in mind. I have never enjoyed reading and meditating God’s word the way I am enjoying it right now.
I also had the privilege to attend a 3-day seminar, “Movement Building from the Life of Christ” where I didn’t only get to learn a lot but I have also met new people. I made new friends and instant connections to my fellow believers in Christ. I was also able to attend Youth@111’s first youth fellowship for this year, “Plugged In” and it was actually fun, seeing how much the youth ministry have changed since I last attended. It made me reminisce and look back during the first time I got involved. There are a lot of new and fresh faces, but the fire for Jesus was still there. Also, I’m back in FOM! (Fishers of Men) There’s nothing more exciting than learning with your fellow sisters in Christ.
Amazing how God wanted me to learn this way. I cannot say that I regret not pursuing my plan, because I believe that this IS the real plan. If I decided to stick with my idea, I know I wouldn’t be able to experience all of this. God didn’t want me to run again. Probably He wanted me to learn this time through building relationships with people. Well, not only building but also restoring. (In fact, my sister and I can now actually spend an hour just talking. Haha.) January could seem a very dull month due to the fact that I spent most of the days at home, but I believe He is preparing me for something. And that makes me excited for February!!
How about you guys? How was your first month of the year?