This Blank Feeling

*NP: “Latch” (Acoustic)- Sam Smith*

It’s this feeling once again between happiness and loneliness, unspoken thoughts, and unrefined ideas. I feel like standing on a cliff, deciding whether to jump or just continue standing there, staring on what’s beneath me. I see walls; walls which I have built up over the past years and as I slowly try to see what’s on the other side, I always find my shadow pulling me back. I’ve been fighting with unwanted silhouettes since God-knows-when and yes, it wasn’t easy. I used to say that I want to win this battle. Now, I can’t resolve whether I have become victorious at this point. Or what if I already lost the war without even knowing it? I have no idea.

Sometimes I just close my eyes and try to process the words randomly popping in my head. I know they wouldn’t be there if there’s no reason at all. Or maybe I’m just wasting my time musing over these useless thoughts? Ha! Who cares? Well, I feel at peace. This “blank” feeling I get from time to time is so comforting. My heart has been hanging for quite a while now, not knowing if it should jump for joy or just stay still, and wait for what’s next. The wounds have become scars. The tears have dried up. I have become somebody I never thought I would be. I’m scared. I’m excited. Many times I wanted to take off the mask, but I’d always end up realizing that I wasn’t wearing a mask anymore. Would I be like this for the rest of my life? Only God knows.

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