002: Say It Anyway

I saw myself in a familiar place.

I’ve been here only twice before yet it feels like I’ve been here forever. It feels weird though, because you’re not here with me. I just kept standing in the parking lot, puzzled yet blissful. Until I heard the song they’re playing inside the old bistro. I was stunned.

“Every love begins with a lot of hope,
Every love begins encased in gold
Oh you never fear what you never know will be…”

I can’t explain exactly how I felt. After taking a deep breath, I decided to go inside. Nothing has changed. It’s still the same old furniture, details, and even the ambiance. I headed straight up to the second floor where a waiter was standing and seemed like he was waiting for me. “This way ma’am”, he said and led me to a reserved table. “A reservation? For me?” I asked, confused. He just smiled and left.

Could I be dreaming? I cannot even remember how I got here. Still quite baffled, I decided to sit down and looked around. This was our place. Do you still remember? I can feel the cool breeze on my skin. Too bad I forgot to bring my coat. I hummed to the melody of the song still playing.

“Then maybe both of us would find our way
To a place where nothing’s ever changed
To a place where nothing ever fades, always…”

This was the place where I first enjoyed watching the city lights. Who would not love it anyway? In a place this high and peaceful, I would want to live here forever. I remember how we used to sit here together and just look at the city from afar. “That’s near where I live”, you’d say, pointing to a bunch of buildings with beautiful lights. And then I’d laugh. “You’re kidding me.” And we’ll go like that for several minutes until we get tired and decide to eat the food served on our table.

This is where we would used to have discussion about serious things in life. Then after a few seconds, we’ll end up laughing because of crazy jokes you would insert into the conversation. I have always loved laughing with you. And of how you would look deep straight into my eyes and tell me the things I wish you never said.

“I remember times when you took my hand
You might as well of taken my every breath…”

++++++++++

A bright light urged me to open my eyes. Sunrise. I checked the time on my phone and realized that I have fallen asleep for more than 30 minutes. It’s 5:42 am. I thought for a minute and then started another conversation in my head. “So that means everything was just a dream? Ha! But of course, that was just a dream.” I shook my head trying to erase every thought. I faced the window again. I took out my camera and started taking shots. Oh how I love sunrise.

I decided to finish my food, which has now become cold because of my little nap a while ago. Donuts still taste good even if it’s cold. I’m a sucker for donuts. But with every bite, fragments of unwanted thoughts are still fighting its way back to my mind. I’ve been fighting these thoughts for the longest time. How come I never completely win this battle? I have remained silent until now, hoping these thoughts would eventually go away. But it won’t. I know it will not accept defeat so I guess I have to allow it to stay for a while.

“…I don’t wanna say what I’m gonna say
But I’m gonna say it anyway…”

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